Hiding in a Dark Place

Lisa’s Story:

Quite a few years ago I tried to hide from God while in a relationship I knew was wrong. John was a tall, athletic, good-looking college student from a well-to-do family who swept me off my feet. He had a way about him, making me feel like I was the only girl in the room. Everything he said or did seemed so romantic. I enjoyed being adored. So, I let my guard down and fell in love.

My parents were concerned and wanted me to slow down – I wouldn’t listen. John would not go to church with me. I told myself it didn’t matter because he was a good person. All I wanted was to be with him; however, he wanted more than kissing and holding hands. As a Christian who believed in God’s Word about waiting until marriage, I struggled to maintain sexual purity with him. We dated for about a year and talked about marriage. I was afraid he would leave me so I took our relationship to the next level. After all, the plan was to marry him and make it right.

When I became pregnant, the love of my life didn’t want me because I was “damaged goods” (which he took part in) and a baby didn’t fit into his plans. I was shamed, rejected, scared, crushed and now alone. I was too afraid to talk to anyone about this, especially my parents, and fearful of being cast out of my position at church. I was supposed to be the “good girl” in my family with a “good head on her shoulders”!

I panicked and couldn’t think straight so I hid… the first thing I hid was the pregnancy. Then I hid the abortion. These were not easy choices and I knew they were wrong and could spiritually break me but I did it anyway because of my pride.

John sent me money because he wanted me to get rid of “it.” I went to the abortion clinic alone. The doctor was cold and calculating. After the procedure he looked down in the trash can and said under his breath “hmm a boy.” I began to quietly cry uncontrollably; the doctor gripped my knee and said in a stern voice “stop crying” and left the room. I had to lie in a recovery area with other women who were crying. I had to stay until the bleeding stopped which took a few hours. The staff was irritated that I was the last to leave (I would have stayed all night just to avoid an empty apartment) so I drove myself home.

The moment my child was gone I started losing myself. Not only was my womb empty but my heart seemed barren as well. My moral compass began to slip away. I became obsessed with staying busy so I worked three jobs and skipped church. If I wasn’t working, I was going out and partying or dating just to forget. I had nightmares of a baby crying for me or crawling into danger when I fell asleep. So, I tried to stay awake as long as I could which began to destroy my health. I had suicidal thoughts at least twice a day.

I just wanted to stop hurting and be loved but random dating didn’t seem to help. I was so messed up physically I didn’t think I would ever be able to have children in the future. Yet God knew where I was the whole time through those 5 years of hurting and hiding! I was afraid of being seen as a fraud, dirty and broken – I wanted to be clean and whole. All I had to do was “want” to be found.

Finally after those few years of physical, emotional and spiritual struggle I threw my hands up and cried out. God heard my plea! Counseling ministries for post abortion “just happen” to come to our church and I attended every counseling session I could. I felt like the prodigal child who was coming home and my Heavenly Father ran to me and threw His arms around me! I finally felt safe again. That’s when the healing began. I am forgiven and I have learned how to forgive myself. I learned that I needed to grieve and my Gracious Heavenly Father has turned my mourning into dancing. I am Free because of God Almighty and I am His!

“For I will be merciful and gracious toward their sins and I will remember their deeds of unrighteousness no more.”  Hebrews 8:12

*Lisa has been happily married for over two decades with two wonderful sons.

 

One Comment on “Hiding in a Dark Place

  1. Thank you so much for your courage in sharing your story. I can relate to so much of it. It sheds light to the mundaneness of the enemy’s schemes and the power of God’s healing.

    Won’t it be lovely to meet our children when we leave this temporary place for our eternal home?

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