Peace for a Pessimist
On September 20, 2011, I frantically called my oldest sister who is a physician because I missed my monthly cycle. Assuming the worst, I told her I was perimenopausal and already started grieving not being able to have biological children for the rest of my life. My sister patiently listened and asked me one question, “Do you think you are pregnant?” Stunned, I sat on the phone with my mouth wide open. We took a pregnancy test and immediately had a positive sign. Instead of having early menopause, I was pregnant! This was one of the happiest days for me and my husband.
However, this story is also a small introduction to my pessimistic, neurotic and anxious personality that assumes the worst and battles my flesh to believe God’s goodness and protection in my life. Having experienced trauma in my life, trusting the Lord in every detail of my life is sometimes difficult. I often live like I am anticipating and preparing for another traumatic event to happen.
Throughout my pregnancy, I was constantly challenged to trust Him. In my first trimester, I bled and had to be on bed rest. I experienced anxiety fearing I would have a miscarriage so I sat on my bed not moving or breathing. I read Scripture and hung onto promises that God works all things to the good for those who love Him (Romans 8:28) and God desires to prosper me and not to harm me (Jeremiah 29:11). Weekly, I wrote on the prayer request cards that I ignored in the past trusting some faithful prayer stranger was praying for us. I was challenged to surrender all things to His perfect will and to trust that no matter what happens, God is good and He will be praised.
On April 26, 2012, my husband and I went to our follow-up appointment for a routine ultrasound. Doctors expressed concern because our baby was extremely small. We were immediately referred to a specialist who discovered our baby had not been receiving nourishment because my placenta was failing. This discovery made my head feel like it was going to explode but God also brought to memory all His promises and the comfort of our friends and family who were praying for us. Our doctor informed us that our baby would not survive another 3-5 more days. I would need an immediate C-section.
My husband and I literally walked next door to the hospital and delivered our sweet baby boy, Whitaker Thomas Lee, one month early. As we look back at every detail of my life this past year, we see God’s sovereignty and protection. Just one more week and Whitaker would have died in-utero. However, God spared him from death and ‘loaned’ him to us so we can experience the joy of showing him how awesome Jesus is. Through this journey, the Lord has used my anxieties to draw my husband and I closer to each other and to Him. We hope this story will be sealed in our hearts as a reminder to trust Him in all circumstances and to remember the profound truth of the children’s song I sing to Whitaker, “Our God is so great, so strong and so mighty there’s nothing my God cannot do.”