“How dare he talk to the Daughter of the King like that!” My brain froze, tears filled my eyes as the simple sentence stunned me. I’d never been called anything close to “Daughter of the King.” I’d been verbally abused all my life, piling on physical and emotional abuse.
In my early childhood I heard a lot of yelling and condescending remarks. There were many family secrets never spoken. Teetering on threats and fear of abandonment I kept quiet and learned to people please to keep the peace. An unsafe childhood provides fertile ground for deep insecurities.
At fifteen I was sexually molested by my mother’s employer and forced into years of sexual abuse to maintain her job. My mom had been sexually abused as a child and she was in denial about the violations against me so she was unable to help. I felt so bad about myself. I knew even God could not love me.
Continuing into adulthood, I made horrible choices! Social vices for escape, self-destruction, promiscuity, abusive men. . .would the cycle ever be broken? I used to take walks in the evenings and look through people’s windows at their togetherness. I’d cry, longing for a similar life.
I recognize God’s presence now as I look back over the devastation. My third child was born with a genetic disease which took her life at age 4. My sister-in-law who knew the Lord convinced me relying on God would be the only way to get through it so I pledged my life to Jesus, praising Him for the precious gift of Jenna. Surviving the death of a child changes a person, but walking with Jesus through the trials was life “giving.” My broken spirit was healing.
I married a third time with a blended family of four children including this husband’s son who suffered from a terminal illness. I felt led to help bring the family to Christ. This husband also had a severe personality disorder; I recognized it as difficult but not dangerous. I was dead wrong.
Unable to control his son’s disease, and refusal to let God be in charge, he became physically and emotionally abusive. One night in a rage he tried to kill me by beating, suffocating, and strangling me. His words…”I hate you, I want you dead, I want to kill you myself” rang in my head but a strange sense of calm enveloped me. God’s words “be still, don’t fight back” comforted me. I didn’t die, but I got out of the last abusive relationship of my life through God’s guidance. I reported my ex-husband’s assault to the police. God also gave me the strength to have him prosecuted.
Oh the healing needed!! I had failed at three marriages, lost a daughter and step son, and kept my secret of childhood sexual abuse. I joined Celebrate Recovery to heal the wounds of the past. I began to believe I am not defined by what happened. I was ready for God to remove my pain and dysfunction; the One who felt them when He lived on earth, died for them, and then came back to tell me “give me your troubles, I can take it, I will heal you, I will love you, and I will never leave you.” I forgave my perpetrators, breaking the chains of my grief and bitterness. Thanking God for my difficult journey, and trusting that through the hard times He accomplishes His best work, has transformed my life.
I am a proud Daughter of the King! Each day I ask God to inspire me, take control of my thoughts, and walk with me so others can see Jesus. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old life is gone, a new life has begun.” The old lies Satan branded me with ARE gone. I hold to new truths: God chose me before the foundation of the world, in Jesus I am loved by God with an inseparable love, in Christ I am redeemed and forgiven for all my sins, and I am promised eternity with Him.
My name is Deb and the truth is: God is bigger than the past.