Erica’s Story:
My family and I moved from Phoenix, Arizona, to Albuquerque, New Mexico, shortly after I turned ten. After we unpacked and the empty moving truck pulled out of the driveway, my parents sat me and my two younger sisters down to tell us their decision to end their marriage.
I had seen this coming. My parents had fought with increasing intensity for years. Still, that moment marked the beginning of a long season of questioning. Why did my dad choose someone else? Why did he leave my mom? Why did he leave me?
These unanswered questions shaped me in destructive ways. Anger, resentment, confusion, and abandonment took root. As a teenager I rebelled, losing my mom’s trust. My choices with friends, drugs, and sex left me feeling compromised in spirit, mind, and body. I lost myself.
In high school, I went to a Young Life Club and heard about a God who loved me no matter what, but it made no difference to me. I convinced myself that my choices left me beyond God’s reach. How could he want me?
Then, at age seventeen, I went to Young Life camp. For the first time, something clicked about Jesus. Words I had heard for years suddenly came to life in the story of Jesus’ death as my substitute and his resurrection. I felt seen and loved by Jesus, a Savior who knew my name, my story, and my heartbreak. Like the bleeding woman who touched the hem of his cloak, I believed he could heal me, and I desperately wanted his healing.
That week, I received Christ. I confessed my sin and rebellion, and I embraced the new life he offered. I came home excited to live differently. I went to church. I became a Young Life leader. I joined the Young Life Bible study group called Campaigners. I leaned into a rich community of fellow believers, young and old. My life filled up with the things of God, and I ran full speed in my new faith.
However, I continued to carry resentment and unforgiveness toward my dad for several years even as a Christian. My anger held me back from loving my dad freely with the love that Christ gives me. In the process of learning how to love God as my heavenly Father, God asked me to love my earthly father through forgiveness, but it felt impossible.
About three years into my new life in Christ, my spiritual mentor pointed me to two verses in the Bible. First, “With humans this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” (Matt 19:26). She emphasized that the possibility of forgiving my dad hinged on me doing it with God, and not on my own. Then she mentioned a second verse: “[Forgive] each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Eph 4:32). She reminded me that the forgiveness I’ve received from God actually empowers me to forgive others.
In truth, I missed my dad and longed for a relationship with him. God’s love began to soften my heart. As I thought about my future life—getting married, having children, growing a career—I kept thinking I genuinely wanted my dad to be a part of it all. I had already missed out on my dad in childhood, and I did not want to miss out on him in adulthood. If I wanted a relationship with my dad, then I needed to choose forgiveness.
Forgiveness is internal work with the Lord, and it requires practice. I practiced by calling my dad once a month. He never called me, but that didn’t stop me from continuing to pursue forgiveness with God’s help. At first, we would only talk about simple topics—how my studies were going at college or what new TV show I was watching.
Twelve years later, I can honestly say I have an actual growing relationship with my dad. Our conversations have grown to more personal things like family or faith, and we’ve leaned into a rhythm of visits once or twice a year. Our relationship is not perfect, and I still struggle with disappointment. However, by the grace and power of God I continue to walk in forgiveness toward my dad every day, grateful for what I do have with him. Ultimately, the deep fulfillment I experience from God as my heavenly Father allows me to freely love my earthly father with grace.
The Father of forgiveness keeps giving me what I need to forgive my father.
Photo by Sage Friedman on Unsplash
What to Read Next …
About Adult Children Relating to Parents …
