Hannah’s Story:
Two weeks after returning from my honeymoon, my husband confessed his continued use of pornography even in marriage. In an instant, my world turned upside down. Our newlywed bliss screeched to a halt. Instead of savoring those early months and years as a young married couple, we felt more like strangers relearning how to love one another in a season of grief and loss. I knew brokenness and suffering would come in our marriage, but I didn’t expect it to come so soon.
Even though I knew David had used pornography in the past, I thought his struggle was, well, in the past. He had painted his sin in a much more positive light than the reality. I had no idea David actively dragged the sin into our marriage. Once I understood the full picture, I just kept thinking, “I didn’t sign up for this.” And I certainly didn’t want pornography in my story. I had so many other dreams for life and ministry—but a sexual addiction? Not on my list.
His confession turned into counseling, which turned into full-blown addiction recovery. Over the course of the following four years, we both spent hours upon hours every week in counseling and recovery—him for addiction and me for betrayal trauma. Some days I resented the “homework” I had to do because of his struggle. Other days I hid from others, not wanting them to know the extent of brokenness in my marriage. Some weeks I lashed out in bitterness and anger, even though I could see David aggressively fighting his sin. In other seasons, I wept to the Lord and begged for the battle to end.
Change didn’t come overnight. Our journeys in recovery felt endless. Two steps forward, five steps backwards. David experienced seasons of victory and freedom, and he also experienced seasons of relapse and heartbreak.
Over time, we learned God wanted to do a much deeper work on both our hearts. David’s struggle extended beyond a sin he simply couldn’t shake. He had tried to get rid of it for many years prior to meeting me. You can’t wish addictions away. Instead, David learned he needed to heal from childhood trauma, early exposure to sex and pornography, and years of coping with pain in an unhealthy way. I needed to heal from my deep desire to control my life and the masks of perfectionism and performance for others.
Through recovery, God gave us a new lens through which to see ourselves and the world. He instilled empathy and passion for others in bondage. He began healing areas of our hearts we didn’t even know needed healing. He brought new friendships, strengthened old ones, and helped us relearn the importance of community in our walks with him. And, like only God can do, he gave us a ministry to other addicts and betrayed spouses.
Our journey continues. It would be foolish to think our marriage won’t go through similar or even more difficult trials in the years to come. But I consider our recovery journey a miraculous one. A story I once resented now serves as a banner for God’s faithfulness. I trust the Lord now more than I ever have before. He truly can bring beauty from ashes.
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
That my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. Lord my God, I will praise you forever.
