My Desire Became Consuming
My husband and I went through three years of infertility before our twin boys were born. Before they turned a year, we started infertility treatments because we both strongly wanted more children. After two pregnancies resulting in miscarriages, we decided to stop the treatments for a while and give my body and heart time to heal.
Then seven months later I became pregnant again. It was a shock to both of us! We found out on Mother’s Day, which was such a gift from the Lord. But at my seventeen-week appointment, we found out that our baby had died just a few days before. I can’t begin to describe my heartache. Samuel David was delivered on Aug. 10th, 2011.
I can’t really remember the days after his funeral. But my God, my God…He enveloped us with His peace. I remember one morning as I lay in bed, I didn’t want to do anything and I prayed to the Lord and asked Him to help me. In a gentle whisper I heard, Stand, all you need to do is stand. So I did. I needed to stand physically and spiritually in His truth. He loves me, He has never left me, He is for me and He is good.
Six months after losing Samuel, I became unexpectedly pregnant again and miscarried around five weeks. Then five months later I had an ectopic pregnancy and miscarried.
I soon went to the crazy place. Why was this happening? Haven’t I been through enough pain? What is it that God wants me to learn? I just want another baby…why is this so hard? Doubt and lies from the evil one penetrated my heart. I felt unreachable by God and so alone.
I saw a reproductive endocrinologist who ran test after test and basically told me that my eggs were old and there weren’t many left. It was possible I could become pregnant again but it could take years.
I felt the walls of my heart going up and kept God at an arm’s length because He was responsible for my pain. I started walking in offense. God had offended me. I wanted to protect my heart from the One who caused the pain. Even though He had been the One who created these miracle babies, I was too focused on what He hadn’t done for me.
I wanted to be in control. I started looking on the internet for how to increase pregnancy in your late 30s & how to decrease your chance of miscarriages.
In December, my husband lovingly told me that my desire to have more children had become an idol. He asked if I had surrendered this to the Lord and I said yes. He then said he didn’t see any peace in me regarding this. I didn’t know how to respond. We prayed about it and I knew it wasn’t surrendered. A week or so later I was talking to a dear friend who told me how the Lord asked her to tangibly surrender a desire she had. I felt the Lord asking me to do the same thing.
Shortly after, my husband and I had the day together. I told him that I wanted to visit the cemetery where Samuel was buried. I grabbed a sticky note and wrote Georgia Ann… my baby girl name. Looking at Samuel’s headstone, I knelt down. I knew God was asking me to place the sticky note on Samuel’s headstone, completely surrendering my baby girl and any other babies. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done because in my mind I thought if I truly give this over, and He chooses not to give us any more children…will my Jesus be enough? The answer was yes.
I then let go of that sticky note. But it wasn’t just a sticky note…it was my heart, my dreams, my babies. They were all His now. I didn’t want to get up. My husband just held me as I cried and cried. But eventually we did get up and a peace came over me like none other. I finally felt free from the bondage of the very thing I wanted so badly. I had turned my desire into an idol, making me captive to it.
Psalm 118:5 says, “In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and he answered by setting me free.” I’m now walking in freedom and fully know that my Jesus is enough.
*As an update, Jennifer and her husband welcomed Georgia Ann Lacey into their family on November 1, 2013 through the adoption process. They are praising God for His good gift!